Jesus, she’s fuckin gorgeous. Stop lookin at her ya sap, she’ll think you’re a fuckin pervert. She probably has pricks starin at her all day. I’d say she hates them. I fuckin hate them and I am one. A man. Am I though? Not like those sickos who goggle at her all day though. Sick fucks. Probably thinkin up mad porn scenes with her. I’m not like them, the bastards. Shut up. Read the fuckin report. This coffee’s shite. I’m bored outta my bloody mind. What’s that oulone starin at? Probably thinks I’m pervin on yer one. Idiot. I’ve better things to be doin. Why don’t ya fuckin stare at that muscley dickhead over there? He probably wants to fuckin rape her. Shut up. Read the report, concentrate. You’ve to write this up for that tosspot tomorrow. Bloody bald-headed moron. Thinks he’s fuckin clever the arrogant sap. He’s as thick as two planks. I’m hungry. I’m not payin eight Euro for a fuckin panini though. Jaysus, she really is beautiful. Look at the way she moves. She’s fuckin celestial. I could just watch her all day. Not fuckin dirty her like those shits. Probably wants to be dirtied though, what the fuck do I know? Don’t wanna be like them though. A woman like her should be treated like a princess, a perfect princess. Pure. Snow white. Even in fairy tales there’s a gaggle of little shits want to get in her knickers. Not me.
That’s the fuckin porno, ya weirdo. Jaysus, I’m as bad as the rest of them. Fuck it. I’m fuckin burstin. Hate usin public toilets though. Either I can’t piss cos there’s some other sap with his dick out beside me, or I go in the cubicle and everyone thinks I’m either havin a shite or I’m a pansy. Fuck sake, how can my fucked up head turn havin a piss into somethin so fuckin neurotic? I wish I wasn’t like this. Maybe I should become a stoner, a dropout, an alcho, whatever. Fuck this. If I just became a total fuck up I wouldn’t have to take responsibility for anythin anymore. Fuck the toilet debate, I could just piss me cax right here and everyone’d think I was mad or simple and I wouldn’t have to give a shite about anythin. Is that stupid? Am I a fuckin idiot on top of everythin else?
Look at that hippy over there. Probably just has the song of the whale cd on loop in his head the lucky fuck. I wanna be at peace. I’m so tired. It’s my fuckin mind. It just won’t shut the fuck up. Just does its own thing, with the single interminable aim of drivin me fuckin mad. Jaysus, how can you feel so disconnected from your own mind? Maybe I’m a schizo. Nah, fuck that. Don’t even think about that ya fuckin sap. Your one’s gone, shite. Missed her walkin out. There’s no one else worth lookin at here now. The noise of that fuckin coffee machine is doin me head in. The whole place fuckin smells like sugar. Look at that fat fuck; I think you’ve had enough danishes mate. It’s good though. Fat fucks like that make me look better. I’d love to be a big ride though. A hunk. Healthy in body and in mind. I don’t believe that fucks like that exist. Ya can’t have everythin. Fatty over there’s probably well happier than me. All those goodies probably put him in great form. Maybe I could be a jolly fat man. Never gonna happen. Fat or skinny, I’d still be a fuckin pissy moan bag. Spittin bile. Fuckin inside though. I don’t spit this shit at anyone else. Don’t think I do anyway. Maybe I give off weird vibes. Fuck it, the last thing I’m gonna be able to control is a fuckin vibe. There’s no way I can keep all this shit in though. Fucked up everythin with Lola. For such a sweet thing she really fuckin stuck the knife in at the end. Incapable of loving. Profoundly negative. Bitter. I fuckin hate that bitch. Probably cos she summed me up. Shut the fuck up! How many times have you gone over this shite?
I’m after readin four pages and not one fuckin word went in. It’s all bullshit anyway. Words. Language. My enemy. My saviour. Fuckin wish we never learned language. Then my mind’d shut the fuck up. I’d probably just grunt abuse at meself though. Don’t be bad on Lola. It wasn’t her fault. What I’d give to have her hold me again. Don’t say that, it’s fuckin pathetic. But it was so good, man. Jesus, she only tried to help, but I’m fuckin worse now than I was before. Fuck. Maybe I should talk to someone. Nah, fuck that. Don’t need some arrogant fuck to tell me I have repressed rage or I wanna cut me da’s dick off and fuck me ma with it. Jaysus, where’d that come from? Maybe I’m gay. Nah. I tried that. Not only do I not like dicks, I don’t even like male company. Men are fuckin retards and arseholes. The feminists were right but they went the wrong way about it. They’re just gonna end up as bad as men. At least women are born castrated. One less fuckin hangup. Get the rulers out lads. What the fuck am I talkin about? All I’m missin is a fuckin Freud quote. I don’t even know what that nut was on about. I’d say he was a fuckin horny bastard though. Ha!
Shite. There’s no more seats. That prick’s gonna ask to sit at my table. Jesus, please don’t. Balls, here he comes. And he has a fuckin kid with him. Oh god, this is horrific. I should just go. Fuck, too late. Yep, sit down, go ahead. No, that seat’s not occupied. Crap, it’d be weird if I tried to leave now. Just focus on the report. Look at that poor kid. She’s no idea of the shit she’s got comin. I’d fuckin hate to be her. At least I’ve accepted it’s all shite. She still has to go through the painful realisation. And she’s a girl. That’s even worse. She’ll grow up to hate herself. Poor bitch. Fuck it, at least she looks happy now. Daddy just bought her a cookie and that’s all that matters in the whole universe. That’s great. I want one of those cookies. Jesus man, read the report, read the fuckin report and just shut the fuck up!
First published on Misfits’ Miscellany: